I love to stay busy and be doing things all of the time. I love to be everywhere, doing everything, be out and about and never stop. It’s how I’ve run my life since leaving school, and I love it.
But I’m beginning to realise that I have to drop some stuff. I’m having to assess the various things that I’m doing and leave some of them.
I hate this. It feels like it’s letting the cancer win. Cancer is taking Mum’s life but I don’t want it to take our lives too. We can’t cure terminal cancer but the one thing I’ve always said is that it only really ‘wins’ if it takes us with it.
I’ve trying to keep going with everything. Work, uni, volunteering, social life, everything. I’ve been juggling everything as if I were a normal uni student, and the majority of the time I think I’ve done a pretty good job of staying on top of it all! I probably actually do more than the average student and whether this is because I’m trying to run for the fear that I’m not doing enough, or I just have an inability to say no, I’m not so sure.
Tiredness is getting to me at the moment. I’m having to sleep a lot more than I used to do. I used to run around on nowhere near enough sleep but manage perfectly fine. At the moment, if I don’t get enough sleep, I’m not someone you really want to be around and I can’t concentrate on anything. Not only that but ‘not enough sleep’ has taken on a whole new meaning from what it used to. I’m needing more sleep then I have done and that takes time. On top of that, once awake, tasks are taking me longer than they ever have done. My concentration is pants and I get distracted very easily, so I can’t fit as much in my day.
Just to complicate things further, I go home more often than I ever did. I go home on odd evenings and weekends and that’s something else that takes time. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with going home and I love seeing my family and spending time with them. It’s important. But it takes time.
I feel like I’m letting people down. Sure, people understand, but that doesn’t stop me feel like I’m letting them down and failing at this whole thing. Every time it takes me a week to answer an email, three days to respond to a text. Every time I have to turn down an invitation or pull out of something I feel like I’m letting people down.
I’m not superwoman and I never have been… but that didn’t stop me trying. I need to give up on that dream and get back to reality. The reality that it’s almost 1pm on a Friday, I have a to do list as long as my arm, I’m still in my pyjamas because I got up later than I ever do because going to London and back yesterday completely took it out of me and I was supposed to be in training for a scheme I’ve had to pull out of today. The reality is that my bike needs fixing today, I haven’t spoken to my brother in a week, I’m going home for the evening tonight, I’m meeting someone in a few hours (a meeting that’s taken a year to set up), I need to check the post, I have at least two emails which desperately need sending today, and despite sleeping a lot I’m still tired.
There comes a point where I guess you just have to stop trying to keep things ‘normal’ and accept that actually, they’ve changed a bit and your situation isn’t all that ‘normal’.