I want to describe it to you. I want to try and help you understand.
I know that I appear lazy. I know that I appear to waste time, to do nothing, to watch life pass me by.
I want you to know that I’m not lazy. I want you to know that I don’t want to do nothing. I want you to know that I want to be productive, busy, helpful, useful, and active.
Imagine this, you have ten tasks to do in a week. You neatly write them on a to do list. You assess your week. You place two items on each working day to spread them out. You know that you will have completed the ten items by the end of the week. You might plan to do a few more at the start of the week in case other tasks crop up, but it’s planned, it’s organised. You know that by the end of the day on Friday, you will have done those ten tasks (and maybe some others), and you know that if you have things left over, you can plan them in for the following week.
If I have ten tasks to do, I neatly write them down on a to do list (providing it’s a goodish day and I can read, I can write, and my brain is moderately working). I assess my week. I have no idea which days will be ‘good’ days, and which will not. On a ‘good’ day, I can think and I can move. I try and get as many of those ten tasks done as possible because I don’t know when the next ‘good’ day will be. Some weeks, I might have half a good day, another week I might have a couple of good days – on those weeks I get lots done! Sometimes it can feel like I’m flying.
I have no idea whether I will manage to complete all ten tasks by the end of the day on Friday. I can’t predict my mood or my emotions, often there seems to be no rhyme or reason behind them. More often than not, a ‘good’ day will be followed by at least one bad day. On bad days I can’t do any of the tasks. I can’t read, I can’t think, I can’t write. I can’t really human.
I can’t trust my mental health, and that makes it really difficult to plan things. I don’t know when I will be able to get things done. I want to be reliable, I really do, but it can take a huge amount of planning, and rather than planning a task in on a day, I have to plan to do it at some point over a range of about five days and hope that there will be a time over those five days when I am able to think.
You might notice that I sleep a lot. It’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting, but I’m not giving up. It’s exhausting fighting a battle in your head every single day. That’s why I sleep a lot.
I want to be reliable. I want to be productive. I want to be useful.
I don’t know if this will help you understand. I don’t know if it makes sense to other people. But I hope that you can try and understand.
I’m not lazy, I’m fighting. I’m a little bit useless, but I’m trying. I’m not wasting time, I’m working desperately hard to keep myself alive.