It’s Nothing Personal

I have lost so many friends over the past few years, and over the past few months the number of people I communicate with has dwindled significantly. But as part of my ‘kick depression in the bum’ plan, I’ve been trying to meet up with one or two friends recently (and yes, I do feel guilty about this when I’m not back at work, but I’m working on that one…).

These friends have to live quite close by. They have to live close enough to me that I can drive to see them. That’s because I don’t have the concentration to drive all that far, and I also don’t have the energy to walk that far, so driving is good but only for a short distance. There have been one or two times recently where I’ve driven a little further to see someone and realised that it maybe wasn’t the best plan I’ve ever had.

They need to be friends who understand when I have to cancel at short notice. People who I feel able to say ‘no’ to (which in itself isn’t all that easy for me).

The friends I meet up with have to be able to understand that I might have no brain. I can’t really deal with crowded places, or going out much at all at the moment, because I can be very overly sensitive to noise and light. So ideally we have to meet up at someone’s house.

Once we meet up, conversation might not completely flow. This can be very time-of-day-dependent. There are certain times of day when I am less on the ball, depending on how much medication is in my system and what kind of sleeping meds I had the night before. But conversations can be stilted, I often forget words, and sometimes switch off when someone is talking.

I often find that doing *something* can help the conversation to flow (don’t ask me why). This can be having the TV on quietly in the background, watching stuff on YouTube, scrolling Tumblr, pinning on Pinterest, journaling, crocheting… it doesn’t really matter, but doing *something* can be good.

Some days, I’m really not okay. I really struggle to human. My head can be in a really dark and horrible place – I’m not in crisis – but I need understanding that I’m not okay, that I’m fragile, that I might cry. I need understanding that I’m not always feeling positive, that I don’t always hold much hope. I need people who can listen to me say ‘I want to die at the moment’, and can say ‘yes, me to, but let’s sit and want to die together, because that’s better than sitting and wanting to die alone’. Sometimes you don’t need someone to tell you it will get better, or be super positive or anything like that. Sometimes you just need to sit and talk, or not talk, and craft, and space out, and watch TV, and just not be alone.

All in all, that is a list of slightly specific conditions that any prospective friend-meeting-up session has to comply to. So it can be tricky to meet up with people, particularly when I haven’t met up with a person in a while and don’t know how well I will manage it. For that reason I often meet up with the same friend or two.

This is a very long-winded and round-about way of saying that I’m sorry if you’ve wanted to meet up with me recently and I haven’t been able to do so. I’m sorry if you see posts on social media of me with a friend, and feel like I just don’t like you, or I’m ‘putting off’ seeing you. It’s not personal.

I can do some things, but I’m not well enough to do everything, and I’m sorry if that means that I’ve cancelled on you, or not even booked in a time to see you. I have nothing against you, I’m just not well right now.

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