You never cry as freely as when wrapped in a Mum’s hug. I keep lying there imagining you next to me, warm. Perhaps my head on your stomach, maybe our feet touching. It’s safe, though. Then I realise my head is on a cushion and my feet are cold only because they’re outside of the cover, not because they’re touching yours, and a fresh wave of grief hits me. I keep dreaming of your hugs, both the ones I wanted and the ones I wanted but tried to tell you I didn’t… even the ones I didn’t want at all. I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. There are salt lines down my face. I miss your hugs. I miss sleeping through the night. I wish I never knew what my face looked like with eyeliner and mascara streaks decorating my cheeks – the only visible sign of grief. I miss being able to tell you when I had a good day, a bad day, a nothing day. I miss you.
young people
Nighttime Thoughts
I have a hole in my stomach.
It’s horrible, achy, painful and black. It expands and contracts as I breathe. It’s getting bigger and I’m scared it’s going to swallow me whole. I believe it’s called grief, but that seems such a small and insignificant word to describe a feeling so big and all-consuming.
Tonight, I spoke to Dad. I rang him up to discuss a website and various other bits and bobs. My uncle had sent me a photo of the family from the weekend. I enquired who a few people were (I get confused by distant relatives) and asked after Mum – she looked small and tired.
She’s sleeping more. Her bloods are fine. She’s just tired. There’s no point in scans now so we don’t know how the disease is progressing unless there are markers in her blood results. I guess her body is just tired of fighting this crap.
We spoke about summer. We don’t know how well Mum will be then… if she’s still with us then. Once again it hits me in the stomach, ripping me in two. Sometimes I forget for a moment – but never for long. Grief doesn’t allow that. Cancer doesn’t allow that. It doesn’t let you forget. As soon as your drop your guard, even for a second, it will strike again.
I spoke to my brother. I had to explain who the family members in the photograph were, how they fit, who they’re related to. It occurs to me that we might not only lose Mum when she dies.
Nights like these I don’t know what to do. Crying seems so pointless, yet often it just happens and I’m left exhausted when it finally stops. I want to curl up, I want a hug, I want someone to tell me it will be okay; thinking like that reminds me of being younger when Mum or Dad would stroke my hair and tell me it will be okay. But they can’t right now, because they’re not here, and it won’t be okay. I want to run and run; to keep running until I can’t. But realistically, it’s gone midnight, I’m crying – it probably wouldn’t be the safest idea.
So I’m left in a state of confused grief; clinging onto hope that we might have a few more weeks or months whilst attempting to accept that we probably won’t. I feel utterly lost and alone in this strange situation. Imagining a future without Mum seems impossible, I’ve never known a life without her and thinking about it sends me into a state of turmoil, so I don’t.
I wish I had someone to talk to who knew how this felt. My brother has gone to bed. I don’t want to burden my friends – I’ve been banging on about this cancer thing for over a year now and I imagine they’re getting bored of it. They have their own issues too, their own lives. I live with a cancer cloud day in, day out, but they shouldn’t have to, too.
Someone sent me a list of organisations in my area the other day. I look through them. There’s some ‘bereavement support’, but I’m not bereaved (yet) so that’s no good. There’s one for parents, siblings and grandparents. I am none of these. It only serves to make me feel more lost and alone. I know there are no words that can fix this. I know that it has to hurt, but sometimes hurting with someone who understands, instead of hurting alone, can help.
It’s half two, now. I’m hoping to get a night of unbroken sleep but I can’t remember the last time that happened. Lately I’ve been going to sleep with the radio on; it feels less lonely. The darkness can be scary when all you have are your thoughts, sometimes it can feel like you’re the only one in the world.
There’s no grand meaning to this post. No take-home message. It’s just me, speaking to you, whoever you are. Thank you for listening.
Faith
Over the last couple of months, I have been losing my faith. I don’t have a religious faith, but I believe in good people; in the ability of good people to change things. Due to various things that have been going on in my life, I have been struggling to keep believing this. I’ve had a lot to work through and it’s taken my head away from always being where it needs to be.
The moment I realised how bad this had got was when I was stood in a room with a bunch of amazing young people doing awesome things in their communities and I just couldn’t feel ‘it’. Don’t ask me what ‘it’ is, because I don’t know. But I didn’t have it.
Volunteering is something I have built my life and my identity up around. It has been such a major part of my teenage years, the time I’ve been developing who I am, what I’m doing, what’s made me, ‘me’. Cue, a bit of an identity crisis!
Long story short, after a lot of fumbling around in the dark, trying to work out what on earth is going on, I’m still not entirely sure. However, I have realised that it is down to me to make my way in life. It is up to me to work these things out and there is as much time as I need. Nothing and nobody is going to ‘save me’ or ‘fix’ anything. It is not their responsibility, it is mine. Yes, I can use all my resources but at the end of the day, I have to work this thing out, whatever it is. I will keep volunteering, I will keep studying and working and I will get out of this.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been child minding again; one four year old, one five year old. They are gorgeous children, very well behaved. They have cheeky smiles and giggle at silly things. They hold my hand when we cross the road and bury their heads in me when they’re scared.
Today, the four year old handed me a daisy which was ‘for me’. For now, that’s all I need
A Stick.
This weekend we took 20 six to eight year old boys on a Beaver Scout sleepover. The setting was fabulous. There was a log cabin in the middle of a wood, a place for the Scouts to camp, a wooden play area and a rustic, open church. We had gorgeous weather, the air was crisp, there wasn’t a raindrop in site and the orange leaves crunched underfoot.
After lunch, we let the boys go. They ran outside, jumped in the leaves, rolled around on the floor, and did tarzan jumps with a piece of rope. A number of them found sticks and spend ages hitting trees. Some of the sticks were drum sticks, others were lightsabers, some were fencing poles, others were a particularly special object. Their imagination knew no bounds.
Later that evening, they were all gathered around the campfire, singing songs, joining in with the older children and generally having a good time. There wasn’t a face without a smile. Once we’d got back that evening and settled them down, nearly every child slept through the entire night, not waking until 7am the next morning (virtually unheard of for a six year old!)
Over the entire weekend, no child had access to a phone, a computer, a TV or any other form of screen. Not once, over the entire weekend did a single child ask me for any of these items. Nor did I ever hear the phrase ‘I’m bored’. No child complained that we ‘made them go outside’, in fact, most of them complained when they had to come in.
On Saturday, I asked one boy what he’d been doing the morning before he came. The response I got was ‘playing on my DS’. Once we let that child out of the building, he was off like a shot, running around and enjoying the fresh air. The next day, he listed all the many electronic items he owned. Once again, as soon as we opened the door, he was running around and jumping in the leaves. But I bet when he got home, he was straight back in front of a screen.
Kids were born to be outside. They were made to run and jump. They bounce. They need fresh air and the ability to be free and run off their limitless energy. They don’t want to be cooped up indoors.
Parents seem fearful of taking children outside. ‘What if they get cold?’ ‘What if someone steals them?’ ‘What if they get run over?’. I’m not saying these aren’t valid questions, but there are solutions to these problems. Many parents may claim they don’t have time, they’re busy, or they’re just too stressed. But I can assure you; an hour jumping in leaves with your child will lower your stress levels no end.
Involving Young People
Involving young people is something that I get asked about a lot. People often want to know how they can involve young people in things and get them to have their say. However, sadly, although I have found that some of these people do genuinely want feedback, opinions and ideas from young people, many do not. They say that they want inclusion and that young people are ‘the future’ and ‘the decisions are going to effect them’and all of the other cliche lines that get thrown around all the time. However, how much they actually believe in these statements I’m not sure.
As young people, we are a hassle and we are annoying. This is because, we want things done, we want them done properly and we want them done quickly. We want to see a change. We have energy, and drive, but we need you to help us channel them into something productive. You can’t leave us with false promises because we will remember and we will tell you when you haven’t delivered. All of these things are annoying because it means that you actually have to do something about the issues rather then gathering data, promising changes and leaving the paperwork on a desk to gather dust.
We are also up to date with the latest technologies, generally speaking, and will expect you to be to. Facebook and Twitter are everyday communication tools. You will have to learn to use these sites, if you want to get young people involved. However much you may hate these sites or disagree with them, sometimes you just have to do something you don’t like.
We want to be listened to. Do not invite us to come and sit at one of your meetings to ‘give a young person’s perspective’ and then ignore everything we have to say. Or make us feel unwelcome. What good does that do?! In fact, it probably does more harm then good, as it’s likely to put barriers up between the two age groups rather than achieving anything. If you want a young person present at your meetings, you need to involve them, and you need to seriously listen and take on board what they have to say. Do not discount their ideas or see them as useless without giving them as much thought as you’d give to any ideas submitted by other people around the table. Furthermore, don’t have a discussion group focussing on how to get young people involved, without a young person featuring as part of the group! We are experts in knowing how young people communicate and what issues they’re facing, because we are young people. So it’s daft trying to guess from an adult perspective when you can just come and ask one of us.
Please don’t treat us like aliens. We are not strange creatures from outer space with unidentified flying hormones floating around (I know, I know, this may be a shock). We are humans too(!) and we want to feel like we’re part of your group. We want to feel like one of you, not like a zoo animal put out for observation. Treat us as one of your own, but also, remember that we are only young and sometimes this may affect our judgements on things, and in some instances we may need a bit of care and understanding as certain issues may affect us more then they affect you.
Finally, help with travel costs can go a long way (unintentional pun!). If you can cover our travel costs or offer us a lift home, it will make the world of difference and help to keep us involved. We are skint, as a rule, and travel is normally very expensive. So something that might not seem like much to you will be a massive help to us!
So, to summarise,to involve young people, you need to listen to what we have to say. When I say listen, I don’t mean in one ear and out the other listening, I mean properly listening. You have to treat us with respect (this of course does go two ways), and take us as seriously as anyone else. Once we feel that we’re being listened to, and that something is actually being done about issues that effect us, you will start to see change! One thing young people do have more of then adults, is time. So, if we want a change to occur, and you want change to occur, with the right guidance and support, young people will help you move mountains.
A Brief Part Of Life.
Last week, the young boy who inspired me to start Escape The Frame (https://www.facebook.com/EscapeTheFrame) left my Beaver group to move to Cubs. It’s a necessary, but difficult transition. I think I found it more difficult then he did!
Looking back, it’s touching to see how much he’s grown and developed in the last year. A boy who used to hide under tables and refuse to join in, looked up at me with excited eyes and told me how much he was looking forward to going to Cubs. He then assured me that he had enjoyed Beavers and said thank you he’d had a good time. He looked me in the eyes as he said this.
I’ve loved working with him for the last year. It’s been challenging at times, there have been good evenings and bad evenings, but it’s great, now, to see him being so confident. I’ll miss him asking me for my camera every week and coming to sit on my knee but he’s growing up and moving on to bigger things now. (I have been informed that his uncle bought him a camera for Christmas, so I’m expecting to be invited to one of his showcases one day!)
He’s been a major part of my life for the past year or so. If I’ve been feeling rubbish, sometimes he’ll come out with something that’ll brighten me up. I’ve felt needed and wanted and have known that I’ve been making a difference. I hope he’s felt comfortable in my presence and I hope he will continue to grow and thrive. I don’t think that I will ever forget him or his smile. I doubt he’ll remember me in a few years, but you never know.
It’s amazing how people’s paths can cross for the briefest amount of time, yet they can make such an impact on each others lives… I think that’s a really big part of what volunteering’s all about.
But you don’t get paid?
There is one question I get asked a lot. Especially by those who are younger than me.
‘But why do you do it when you don’t get paid?’
I try to explain in terms of money. I explain how normally when volunteering, my travel expenses are covered, as well as any other expenses incurred throughout the day. I try to explain how it doesn’t matter whether or not I get paid because I’m living at home and don’t have many expenses. I try to explain how in some cases, volunteering can lead to a grant which is sort of a payment.
It occurred to me tonight, though, that maybe I’m getting this all wrong. Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick.
When they say ‘getting paid’, we all know they mean money. But does payment have to be in money?
Volunteering has given me so much more than a lot of other things ever could. No, I don’t get money for it. However, I do get experiences and chances that money can’t buy. I have met some amazing people and through volunteering, I have been able to network and link up with like-minded people, which has, in some cases, resulted with me being invited to new places and new opportunities. It has given me confidence and self belief. It has given me happiness, laughter, joyfulness. It has given me the chance to give something back to a society that has given so much to me. To try out lots of different things and find out where my skills, strengths (and weaknesses!) lie. It’s given me friendship, companionship and a sense of belonging.
The most important thing it has given me, is hope. Hope for my generation. Hope for our future. Hope for myself.
So next time they ask me why I do it when I don’t get paid. I won’t try and explain the money side of things. Instead, I’ll try to explain how I’m paid in smiles, thank yous, experiences, laughter, a sense of satisfaction, friendship, opportunities, happiness and gratitude.
I only hope they understand.
What is Volunteering?
What exactly is volunteering?
The dictionary definition is:
v.vol·un·teered, vol·un·teer·ing, vol·un·teersv.tr.1. To perform or offer to perform a service of one’s own free will.2. To do charitable or helpful work without pay
My brother’s definition is:
We had that talk about that thing at school today that you do. I don’t want to work in an old people’s home for an hour a week! I don’t have enough time! I have too much homework!
A definition I was given by some girls the other day was:
The only reason I do this is to get my DofE/because it looks good on my CV/to get a job
Well, there’s some truth in all of this! Yes, volunteering is about doing work without being paid, yes, it can be helping out in an old people’s home if you like and yes, it does look good on a CV and will help you to gain your DofE award.
But it is so much more then that!
Through volunteering, I’ve found that I’ve been able to bridge gaps. Gaps between classes, ages, races, gender, location… I live in a very sheltered area and have had a very sheltered life. I’ve attended good schools, live in a small village and have fantastic parent’s who’ve supported me for all 18 years of my life. I am very lucky. Through getting stuck in, I’ve met such a diverse range of people and I’ve learnt so much from them. It’s opened my eyes to new ways of living, new cultures, new lives. Without volunteering, there are numbers of people from all walks of life who I would never have come into contact with.
It has given me the chance to develop my skills and discover who I am as a person. Through volunteering, I have realised that I absolutely love working with children. I have also learnt that I have a talent for working with people, developing relationships with them and getting the best out of them. It has helped me to become more flexible, work around problems and think on my feet.
Volunteering has helped me develop personally, too. Going back to my old school the other week, people commented on how happy I looked, how confident I was and how much I’d ‘come out of my shell’. I do feel more confident! I also feel happier and have things to look forward to. I’ve got things that I’m in charge of and I can take control of. I can see immediate results, such as a child’s smile, but I can also see results that take a little longer to appear… a conference that I’m invited to, to give my opinion in, a 10-year-old looking after his younger sister and taking control of games, who at 6 was too shy to talk. It is so rewarding and so worthwhile.
I’m not going to sugar-coat it. It’s not perfect. Nothing ever is! Paper work can be boring, sometimes people don’t appreciate what you’re doing and can be rude to you or aggresive towards you. But overall, the benefits outnumber the rubbish bits by about a million.
‘Volunteering’ may have negative connotations for some people. Boring, no money, ‘putting up with stuff’, giving up your time, ‘old people’, sticky kids, litter-picking, the list goes on. But it’s so much more then that! It’s fun, smiles, finding something you’re passionate about, having new experiences, developing new skills, building up your CV, meeting new people, networking, finding other people who like what you like, giving something back to the community, investing in people and having a laugh!
What is volunteering? It’s the best decision I ever made.
Naomi Jane 