This week, I feel like I’ve settled into more of a routine of going home each evening. We have an amazing family friend who is taking me home and bringing me back each night and honestly, I’m so grateful. It saves a lot of tackling public transport/walking to places etc. It’s tiring all this back and forth so she’s making the world of difference.
Each night I head in and Mum’s deteriorated further. It’s stopped hitting me so much, though, I’ve become used to seeing a smaller, weaker, mum. I’ve sort of become a bit immune to it as the week has gone on. I just feel very still and flat. There are the occasional things which trip me up and make me cry, but they’re unpredictable.
Mum didn’t even try and kiss me tonight. She’s lost any energy she had. She can’t even move herself within her bed. She’s got a driver in now, to try and manage her pain. When she tries to talk she says she’s tired, despite sleeping most of the day. I don’t know how long is left. I hope it’s not long, not because I don’t love her, but because we’ve already lost her. She wasn’t even hearing everything tonight. I don’t want her to be in pain. I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t want my family to have to suffer any more, because every day that this goes on is another day that they’re watching the shell of someone they love lie in a bed too big.
2 thoughts on “No Kiss Goodnight”
My friend told me I should have a read through your blog, and firstly I just want to say, I am so sorry about what you are going through with your mum, I completely can comprehend how it feels and how it is so draining watch someone you love slowly deteriorate.
I’m going through the exact same thing with my dad at the moment and like you I am trying to stay focused with uni and then travel back home 5 hours on the weekend to spend time with my dad. I cannot say I am dealing with the whole thing very well if I am totally honest with you, most days I want to stay in bed and cry.
I was really angry at myself for a long time now, for slowly feeling more and more sad about everything and not being able to cope very well.
My point is I just want to say its so wonderful that you have written this blog, I have read every single post and some of the things you say or how you feel, my instant reaction is oh my god i feel exactly the same, you have taken my anger away from me because you made me realise its actually okay and fully understandable to feel like i dont want to leave my room, or for all those things i had planned that i dont do any of them. I am just so happy that i found your blog and its so refreshing knowing what i feel is actually really okay and normal given the situation.
Again i am really sorry for what you are going through, and I fully admire you writing about it.
I hope what I have written here makes sense, I’ve wanted to comment for a while but didnt really know what to say.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply – Mum died and everything went into slow motion.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so sorry you’re going through a similar thing but I’m pleased my writing has comforted you a little.
If you ever want to talk with someone who ‘gets’ it, feel free to drop me a message through the ‘contact me’ bit. It goes straight to my email inbox and I’ll reply as soon as I can 🙂