I Don’t Want to Become ‘Hardened’, I Just Want to be Me

Lots of things have happened in the news this week. Lots of things have happened in other people’s lives this week. There is a lot of stress, upset and anger in the air. Facebook is a melting pot of unkind exchanges, arguments, and blame. It’s not a nice environment to be in and I find myself shrinking away from it and burying myself in other things.

Several times in the past week, something horrible has happened either on the news, or to a friend or acquaintance; the kind of horrible things nobody should have to face. Ashamedly, when these things have happened, the first thought that has popped into my head has been ‘so?’.

You lost your bag, so? You broke up with your significant other, so? Your housing plans fell through, so? So what? You’re still living, breathing, healthy. You’ve still got both your parents. You’ve still got a steady income, a place to eat, clothes to wear. You’re still richer than most of the world’s population. Nobody’s died, things can be fixed, worse things have happened, I could go on.

I don’t say any of these things. It’s bad enough that I think them. I hate that I think them. The problem is I compare everything to Mum’s illness and death. When compared to that, a lot of things seem small or insignificant in comparison. They’re fixable.
Sometimes, this is a really helpful way to think. I certainly stress less about little things that used to really bug me. It can help me to have a clear head when dealing with difficult situations. It’s made me more resilient.
But it’s not a kind way to think. I feel as though I’m becoming ‘hardened’. I’ve always liked that I am able to empathise with a wide range of people. I love that I feel able to talk to different people about different things. I love that people feel able to talk to me. It’s an incredible privilege and very humbling, and I don’t want to lose it.
On the whole, I’m pretty good at giving myself a time out when these thoughts strike. A little bit of time to breathe, think, and then respond. I’m not sure of any other way around it.
Something that seems so small to me is something which can seem massive to someone else. It’s all relative. If a person has never gone through anything particularly difficult, then they’re more likely to find something upsetting that I might barely blink at. Other people will have gone through a lot more than me, and something which I find incredibly distressing, they may well see as nothing.
But I worry that as time goes by, I will only become more ‘hardened’. I worry that I am beginning to close off more. Sometimes I feel like shaking people, shouting at them; anything at all to make them realise how lucky they are. To stop dwelling on the seemingly insignificant and look around at all they’ve got instead of all they haven’t got. There would be no point in doing anything like that, though. It wouldn’t help. The saying ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’ wasn’t born out of thin air, but it’s not a great thing to yell in someone’s face.
I don’t want to become hardened. In many ways, I wish I still worried about things which now seem insignificant. I want the old me back. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be hard, I don’t want to be grieving, I just want to be me.
DSC_8098 (2016_04_23 16_52_32 UTC)

5 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Become ‘Hardened’, I Just Want to be Me

  1. Hi Naomi, I can understand why you want to be ‘ you again’. I also understand how difficult it is for anyone who has suffered such overwhelming bereavement as yours to connect with everyday life. Far be it from me to think I can come up with a magic solution but I am wondering if you are planning activities for yourself that are purely for pleasure ……. ie regular meet up with friend (s) for coffee/lunch or a drink at the pub. Maybe walking/jogging/sport with a group. Never been a runner myself but somehow wish I was as I can see how good it is for body and mind! So basically my feeling is that introducung one or two enjoyable and fun events into every week (if you feel up to it!) would be a step in the right direction. I think your mum would have agreed with me! x x

    1. Thank you, I’m beginning to try and do some of those things. I’m not allowed to excercise currently for medical reasons, but I went to the cinema with some friends yesterday! (Might not sound much but was the first time in years…) xxx

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